From: military-radio-guy Full-Name: Dennis R Starks To: military radio collectors#3 Fcc: Sent Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1998 05:17:27 Subject: MILITARY COLLECTOR GROUP POST, Dec.30/98 Message-ID: <19981230.051620.4919.1.military-radio-guy@juno.com> X-Status: Sent X-Mailer: Juno 1.49 MILITARY COLLECTOR GROUP POST, Dec.30/98 Index: BIRTH OF THE WWII FM "Walkie-Talkie". SCR-300, BC-1000; By Ed Guzick MEMBERS WRITE; Radio Active Radios, Radio for 1942 Dodge Command Car? WHATSIT; BC-326? HUMOR; *********************************************** BIRTH OF THE WWII FM "Walkie-Talkie". SCR-300, BC-1000; By Ed Guzick This story was compiled from one source. It was taken from a first person’s recollection, of the events in the walkie-talkie development. Few documented facts have survived which describe the actual history behind the transceiver. Although much reference can be found throughout various publications, I have uncovered only bits and pieces dealing with its conception. The credit for creation of the BC-1000 undoubtedly belongs to many. The contribution of Link manufacturing, the Signal Corps Engineering Laboratories and many others, are lost to time or at best buried in an obscure file, which will hopefully someday be uncovered. As of this time I have not found any detailed reference source. These few facts are taken from the only known living eyewitness, as published in his book titled, A Personal Journal: 50 years At Motorola, Autobiography of Andy Affrunti. He recalls his experiences from April 14, 1934 through WWII and beyond. The book contains vague military historical documentation, lacks definitive dates, many of which are often absent or conflicting, making it difficult to arrange into a chronological order. Relatively few pages contained information pertaining to the BC-1000. A telephone inquiry to Mr. Affrunti seeking answers and a hopeful meeting was met with, “it’s all in the book, read the book!” So… what follows are my selected excerpts from his book: -as distilled by me- and are only those which relate to WWII military communications, specifically the SCR-300. Andy, a self-educated engineer, started in his uncles radio shop while in school. He was enrolled in a correspondence electronics course and due to the depression, quit high school at 17, applying for a radio technician’s job in the coil-winding department of Galvin Manufacturing, now Motorola. Dan Noble, credited with the design of the BC-1000, was hired September 1940, as director of engineering for the newly created fledgling Motorola FM police radio business(*1). At that same time, Andy joined this new research lab, assisting an engineer from Poland, Henry Magnuski, now deceased. Henry, a member of the Polish government, was visiting countries exchanging technical knowledge, when Hitler's armies overran his country. He could not return home and remained in the USA. The conversion and adaptation from AM to FM police communication systems was the research lab responsibility. Early in 1941 a new line of FM two-way mobile communication equipment was introduced. These radios, designed and developed independently of government contracts, became the basis of a new set of Armed Forces specifications for vehicular radio applications. Andy states in his book that, “sometime in 1941, Dan Noble was sent to meet with Col. John O'Connell at Fort Monmouth, New Jersey. Noble's proposal, was better than a competitor's existing contract for a new AM portable and convinced the Signal Corps that a noise-free FM system would fulfill the infantry needs. As a result of that visit, Motorola received a development contract for what would become the walkie-talkie.”(*2) Noble was at that time, known for his work with FM so these facts could be true. Apparently Noble did meet with the Army on several occasions but who initiated these meetings is not clear. Also, as he designed the first Link manufactured FM sets and was now in charge of the new Motorola FM development lab it would seem logical that he would be pushing for the adoption of FM. Andy said, “Following his return, Noble called together Henry and Andy, outlining the urgency and on a single piece of paper, listed the military's specifications for a portable FM communications radio. The project was broken into blocks and divided among the research engineers and technicians. Our breakneck schedule began to show results. After three months we cut back to a 56 hour work week.” From this statement it appears that Henry Magnuski was the lead or project engineer, Andy was the technician and other members of the department assisted in the design. The first SCR-300: Andy said, “the equipment was assembled into three compartmentalized sections: the transmitter, receiver and batteries. The three sections were shelves within a wooden box approximately the same shape as the final metal production version, except slightly larger. Operator controls were on one side of the box behind a small wooden trap door to keep out rain. This proved to be quite cumbersome because with the unit placed on the ground, an operator had to lie down to locate and adjust the controls. A harnessed strap arrangement was made so the radio could be back-carried. We painted the wooden boxes Army olive drab green. Two complete units were made for the first two-way communications field tests.” The Test: As written in his book, "Henry and I stood eight miles apart on a bright spring day in 1942, he standing on the flat roof of the Tropic-Aire building next to the Motorola Augusta Boulevard plant, I in the Thatcher Woods Forest Preserve parking lot. Henry: ‘Ondy, do you hear me?’ Andy: ‘Yes Henry, I hear you loud and clear.’ Marconi or Bell couldn't have felt better than I when I heard Henry's Polish-accented voice. One week later the same test was repeated for Signal Corps officials.” “Approval was given and more engineers were put to work militarizing the prototypes. Additional model shop personal worked on this top-priority project. Two working models were taken to Fort Knox, KY, where Army Signal Corps Col. J.D. O'Connell had set up other manufactured sets for comparison. The design was accepted and went into production. As other engineers took over the production phase, Henry and I tapered off the program.” No record remains as to the total pre-production quantity built but one unit is known to exist. Andy continues, “in October 1942, we moved into a new engineering building and received notification of a contract from the Navy -at that time classified top secret- which became the microwave homing beacon for aircraft carrier planes, the Navy radar beacon AN/CPN-6.” Summary: There is speculation that the original Motorola sample submitted to the military was AM not FM. Andy's book would dispute this. Consider, however, that his book is an autobiography of the company's longest serving employee. It is an individuals personal recollection with no effort at historical fact, or of documented proof. The unilateral description of these events during WWII represent but four out of fifty years of service, as conveyed by an individual who in his book appears, at times, to be somewhat complacent. The Signal Corps was in desperate need of better communication equipment as evidenced by Link sample pre-production sets -SCR-293 and SCR-294- being used in combat. Did these sets ever reach production? Why would the military open bids from other manufacturers at this time? My guess is that Link could not meet the demand and/or their sets never reached production?(*3) Obviously this is not the definitive story. It is the best I could put together from that which I had to work with. I do hope it will be of interest to the reader, prompting further discussions or links to other documents. Key dates (from more than one source): 1939,October,- Link Radio began testing FM communication 1940- Connecticut State police contracted with Link to supply FM sets 1940,September,- Dan Noble joined Motorola 1941,- Link FM sets standardized as SCR-293 & SCR-294 1942- Motorola manufactures FM mobile two-way communications products. 1942- Four manufacturers submit a design for military infantry portables 1942,October, - Andy Affrunti completed work on the SCR-300 and started a new project in a new facility 1943- Production SCR-300 sets appear Ed Guzick --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ed) *1, The "fledgling Motorola Police Radio Business" for which Dan Noble was hired, was not at that time(1940) FM, it was AM. Their "Police Cruiser" marked the companies entry into this market. It was a standard BC receiver fix tuned to a single frequency, circa 1936. Neither the simi-prototype(police) sets used during pre-war maneuvers, nor those that accompanied troops in the first major action of WW-II(Operation Torch, the North African Invasion), were of Galvin/Motorola origin, they were designed and built by Link. In August of 1940, the Army leased from Galvin 1ea 50 watt base, and 25ea 7.5 watt mobile radios to be used in armored vehicles during the Second Army's maneuvers in Wisconsin. These were all Police Radios, and, they were all AM! Noble was specifically retained by Galvin to enlist his FM expertise, and to use those expertise in an area that they had little previous experience. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *2,The author states that "sometime in 1941" Mr. Noble's suggestions to the Signal Corps for a new portable FM radio were better than an "competitor's existing contract for a new AM portable" and that this suggestion became the SCR-300. This statement too is totally bogus, especially as all the existing contracts for this type equipment were already with Galvin, and all these were HF/AM.(with the exception of the BC-620, -659 which were not in the same class.) Further, a development contract WAS NOT let to Galvin because of this visit, nor Noble's suggestion. In effect, this entire paragraph is in error! Consider these historic facts: #1. The beginning of the SCR-300 starts in 1940 with the Signal Corps Project 10-3, radio set SCR-300 entitled "Ultra High Frequency Sets For Front Line Use". Not in 1941 with Nobel's visit to the Signal Corps. In fact, long before Noble was even retained by the Galvin company. #2. Originally proposed as an AM set weighing in at not more than 25lbs and with a range of 7 miles. Galvin had submitted a prototype attempting to conform to these early specifications. In December of 1941 the infantry scaled down the requirements to 2 miles and 35lbs to more closely conform to the existing state of the art, the optional modes of AM or FM were left open. It is on these requirements that future development of the SCR-300 would be based and the final versions reflect. #3. At this same time(Dec.1941), development contracts were let with FOUR companies. These included Galvin, Wilcox-Gay, Hazeltine, and Philco. NOT JUST GALVIN! As can be seen from the above official facts, Noble's visit to the Signal Corps, at any time, could not have either initiated nor influenced the development of the SCR-300. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *3, [Did these sets ever reach production?] Yes they did, and survived in use, in one form or another for many years as can be seen in the below. [Why would the military open bids from other manufacturers at this time?] Because the SCR-293 family of radios were only adopted as a "stop-gap", or temporary solution. See below. [Why would the military open bids from other manufacturers at this time?] Link was indeed a small company, but the multi company/bid was, and is, a standard government practice. Late war production of the Standard SCR-500 and 600 series radio sets would see the Link name on their data plates, along with many others. The last versions of these type radios(VRC-2, & -2X) would be built by both Motorola(now firmly established in the area of FM with Noble's help), and Link. Components of this last system were not physically interchangeable between the manufactures, though operationally/functionally the same. [My guess is that Link could not meet the demand and/or their sets never reached production?] Yes they did, as can be seen below. SCR-293, Vehicular FM transmitter/receiver,& receiver combination. Adopted for use in tanks & scout cars for short range communications between these vehicles. The SCR-293 was the first production FM set. As such it,as with it's companion sets,proved the superiority of VHF/FM in tactical combat roles thus setting the stage for all radios of this type to come. The SCR-293 was developed by Link Radio,(in direct cooperation with Dr.,Maj.Edwin Armstrong & using his patents),from a commercial police radio in production by that company(circa 1940)*. Adopted in 1941 (Limited Standard),as a tentative replacement for the SCR-193,& 245, these radios first saw service with the 1st & 2nd Armored divisions. Though never adopted as,or intended for battle field use. They were experimental four or five channel radios that were not designed to meet military standards. Even so,these radios were the first FM sets to see combat,first in the Philippines with a Washington National Guard unit(where they were captured two weeks after deployment by the Japanese),then in North Africa with the before mentioned Armored Divisions. The SCR-293 was replaced by the 500 & 600 series sets(SCR-508,& 528) as soon as sufficient quantities became available. It's original status of Limited Standard however was retained at least until 1950, & remained listed in Technical Publications until 1964. Ops 20-27.9mc,FM xtal control on five preset channels(two accessible from the front panel). RF power output was 25 watts(hi),& 1/2 watt (low). Supply voltage was derived from a 12v(SCR-293) or 24v(SCR-293B) vehicle electrical system. System components include;BC-500 transmitter/receiver,BC-499 receiver,FT-239 mount. AN-42 whip antenna,11ft(20-23mc) or 9ft(less two ft extension for 23-27mc). *The commercial equivalent Link radio was the 25 UFX transmitter/receiver, & the 11 TKR receiver. These Police radios were in use by the Connecticut State Police. This the first use of FM radio and directly influenced it's consideration for military use.See also SCR-294 & SCR-298.............Ref.#1,2,3,A,6,19A,B,C SCR-294, Vehicular FM receiver(BC-500). The SCR-294 is the companion receiver unit of the SCR-293(BC-499) used alone. It was used to replace the SCR-210, & was eventually replace by the SCR-538. Operation was from 12vdc or 24vdc(B models). SCR-298, Vehicular FM,transmitter & receiver. The SCR-298 was a commercial Police car type radio system used by Umpire personnel. As such it was widely installed in Jeeps & commercial type vehicles for the use by Military Police, Air Warning Observation post, Umpire personnel during maneuvers, Base Patrols & various other security operations. Related to the SCR-293,the SCR-298 was built by the Fred Link company,& was adopted as a Limited Standard circa 1942,by November 1943 this status had been change to Standard. Two versions of the radio set existed,though these are referred to as early & late,it is highly suspect that the true deference is in the Sub frequency band covered by each(also an SCR-298A is known to have existed,this may have also been considered the late,an even later model was given the VRC-2 designation by wars end)*. All are identical in operational parameters & use. They consisted of a transmitter, receiver,& receiver power supply that were trunk mounted,then operated via a remote control head(dash mounted) with a handset & loud speaker. The transmitter & receiver were constructed in a fashion nicknamed "Coffin Radios" by commercial users,this do to the shape of their cabinets. Ops 20-40mc*,on one xtal control frequency with an RF power output of 20watts,from a 6 volt vehicle electrical system. System components include;Link Radio Models 11 UF receiver(early),or 11 UF ED 3(late)*, transmitters 25 UFM(early) or 35 UFM ED-2 or 3(late)*,VPA-3A receiver power unit. 1/4 wave whip antenna,control head,loud speaker,& a mic or handset,various power & control cables. Transmitter size 9h x 17w x 8.25"d,29 lbs,receiver size 9h x 13w x 7.5"d,17.5 lbs,power unit size 8.5h x 4.25w x 5"d,7.25 lbs. *SCR-298C is listed with a frequency range of 30-40mc,using the 35 UFM transmitter,& 11 UF receiver. It is also noted as a Limited Standard used by Field Artillery. Other sources list a frequency range of 20-28mc & 20-40mc for the same components. Additional references show the receiver component being used as an SCR-294...........Ref.#1,2,3,A,6,19 For more data on early FM and Galvin see MCGP Backmail #33. Dennis Starks; Collector/Historian Midwest Military Communications Museum email: military-radio-guy@juno.com *********************************************** MEMBERS WRITE; Radio Active Radios, > The Netherlands for instance require collectors be issued > permits to own military radios, and with that an inspection of said > equipment by a government official. These inspections include a test for > radioactivity. dennis, what on earth else would they want to inspect for? i'm really curious. maybe part of it is just to support a beauracracy? hue ed) Who knows! This particular country is environmentally conscience to the extreme. You should hear what they do if you are the owner of multiple vehicles or vehicles over a certain age. Here again inspections are made on a simi-regular basis. A friend and follow collector in this country owns several vehicles of WW-II vintage, they are regularly inspected along with the area they are stored in. If there is the slightest hint of an oil stain on the floor beneath them, the shit hits the fan. Can you imagine a 50 plus year old vehical that leeks no oil at all? Well there is such a thing in the Netherlands! With about ten vehicles around here, and only one less than 30 years old, they'd have me locked up! I'd like to hear of any other stories/restrictions imposed on collectors of military radio equipment. TBX/TBY, dennis, i think you could safely and confidently say that TBYs with the pushbutton operated front panel lights ( TBY, no suffix ) did not have radium. TBX, the versions with whiteface meters, the early sets with #34 tubes and manual breakin, did not have radium. hue ed) again, there is still no clear dividing line, I know of several late war TBX-8's(the last of the series built) that have been tested, and are not radio active. WW-II Japanese Radio-Activity, Dennis, Almost all the Japanese radios of WW II vintage are radioactive. Bill Howard THE WILLIAM L. HOWARD ORDNANCE TECHNICAL INTELLIGENCE MUSEUM e-mail wlhoward@gte.net ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Radio for 1942 Dodge Command Car? Dennis What is the correct radio set up for a 1942 Dodge command car.I need this info if you can help me please. Thanks Dennis for all you have done for this hobby and hope you had a good Christmas and have a great New Year. Carl ed) Several things must be known before an accurate answer can be supplied. If the original application and time period of use is not already known, then it's owner must decide on what he wishes to depict. What branch of service the vehicle was used in(Armor, Air, Infantry?), at what time, and in what application? Generally, the two most noted radio sets installed in Command Cars were the SCR-284, and SCR-506. It will be VERY hard to find all the components needed for the installation of these radios sets, with the SCR-506 being close to impossible. Now pick a particular branch of service, a particular time frame, and a particular application for the vehicle, and I might be able to make things a little easier. *********************************************** WHATSIT; BC-326? say gang, what is a small box, BC-326-A, part of? all it does is "TUNING DIAL LIGHT ON / OFF". tnx, hue ed) I don't think the answer to that question exist, if it does, I'd like to know. The brief description you included in your question is all that's currently known about this item. About it's use or what it went to we know nothing. Looking up the numbers that immediately precede and follow it is of no help either as these are part of totally unrelated systems that would not have used such a device. *********************************************** HUMOR; Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs. "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I heard a noise in the barn the other day. I went down there. My brother bought a new mule and he was trying to get the mule through the barn door but he couldn't get the mule through the barn door because the mule's ears was too long. So brother had a saw and he was sawing off the top of the barn door to get the mule in. I said, "It's a dirt floor, why don't you just dig a trench and take the mule in that way?" And brother said, "It ain't his legs that's too long, it's his ears!" -- Minnie Pearl ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- << You're Not Old UNLESS You Can Remember.. Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV. When Kool-Aid was the only other drink for kids, other than milk and sodas. When there were two types of sneakers--for boys. (yeah, high tops and low tops) When boys couldn't wear anything but leather shoes to school. (shirts tucked in and belts had to be worn, skirts no higher than mid-knee) When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up. (Remember watching test patterns, and that itty-bitty screen) When nearly everyone's parents smoked. (cigarettes were $3.00 a carton) When all your friends got their hair cut at the kitchen table. When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there. (With hot homemade cookies and milk) When nobody owned a purebred dog. When a dime was a decent allowance, and a quarter a huge bonus. (and. . .penny candy?) When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then. When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces. (Hated those garter belts) When all your teachers wore either neckties, or had their hair done, every day. When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time. (and gas was 19 cents a gallon?) When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it. (they thought it was their privilege to help) When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner. . at a REAL restaurant with your parents. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Win 98 Windows 98 Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98, the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Windows 98 represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95. You'll notice immediately that "98" is a larger number than "95," a better than 3 percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 contains many features not found in Windows 95, or in any competing computer operating system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again. Windows 98 comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family. Configuring Windows 98 to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed -- permanently. Windows 98 also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000. However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa." Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner. We've done our best to make using Windows 98 as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.) If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats. Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Script Summary from "Tintanic" (Scene 1) KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it? KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes, it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing. KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know this priceless painting will sink with the boat. LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty. KATE: Thank you. So are you. LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet. KATE: While you are doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying. WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw and elderly person into the water. AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!) *** (Scene 2) LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance. KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the back seat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me. AUDIENCE: Damn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo! LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you have to take off your clothes. KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in, say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing? LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out. NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened. KATE: All right then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor) *** (Scene 3) FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg. CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (Sound of drinking) ICEBERG: (hits boat) FIRST MATE: That can't be good. CAPTAIN: Bottoms up! AUDIENCE: (silence) FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools. AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo? *** (Scene 4) LEONARDO: I have been informed that the boat is sinking. KATE: That is terrible. LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior? KATE: Certainly. WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here. (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously. LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me? WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway- AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo! LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed. AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed. WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people. *** (Scene 5) 150-YEAR-OLD KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for me having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was- hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mister Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here! (Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.) *********************************************** (The preceding was a product of the"Military Collector Group Post", an international email magazine dedicated to the preservation of history and the equipment that made it. Unlimited circulation of this material is authorized so long as the proper credits to the original authors, and publisher or this group are included. For more information conserning this group contact Dennis Starks at, military-radio-guy@juno.com) ***********************************************